sound of something secure*

[thane elias micheals]

thane elias micheals

___________________________________

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IT HAD BEEN A WEEK BUT[/color] truthfully, it felt more like a month. the dates seemed to drag on and they didn't get any easier to deal with. for some reason, he had been lead to believe that there was a delay in her results. part of him wondered if she already knew and hadn't told him. that seemed more likely but he didn't want to believe that she would keep something like that from him. he wanted to think that she could come to him and tell him, no matter the news. maybe, though, she got it in her head that he was going to bail the moment she said nothing was wrong. that wasn't true and he knew it. he was in too far now, in too deep to even think about trying to get out and that was not something on his mind. he was here and here for good. she was the only thing that had ever made him feel truly happy in his entire life and there was no way in hell that he was going to willingly sacrifice that just to keep his image in front of thousands of people.

HE HAD FALLED ASLEEP THE[/color] previous night just like plenty others; with her curled up against his side. something happened the next morning, though, that did not usually happen: he woke up before she did. a good while before she would. so he left and ran to the nearest market and picked up a single red rose and a piece of paper and a sharpie. "dear bella, as much as i don't want to, today's our ep release and we're being forced to do as many signings as possible. i hate that they did this right in the middle of tour but it doesnt matter. it's not something i can change. kyler said he's going to try to help get me out as early as he can but it's not looking too good. if i don't see you today, meet me at the end of my bus at midnight. you officially have plans. -xx thane." he slipped back onto her bus and gently laid the note down on the pillow where his head would have been, the rose sitting neatly ontop of it. and with a gentle kiss on her forehead, he was gone.

THE WHOLE DAY HAD BEEN[/color] miserable, to say the least. he hadn't been able to see her, he hadn't even been able to go to her set. he hated being so busy because it meant that he didn't get to show her the attention he wanted to show her. instead, he had to think about her while he signed posters and cd's. all he wanted was to be able to get back to her, to see how she was holding up, to see if they had gotten any news, anything to say how this was going to go down. he just wanted her to be able to come to him, to talk to him and tell him how she felt. that was going to be a lot harder, he was assuming. so that night, he was waiting for her to show, a ladder propped up against the bus. set up, he had blankets and pillows along with some coffee, hot chocolate and fruit, just because of the fact that they were going to be there all night. it was probably going to get a bit cold but he wanted to share with her one of the most beautiful things he had seen in his life, aside from her, of course.

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[isabella dawn davenport ®]

( i s a b e l l a d a w n d a v e n p o r t )

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'cause i don't know how it gets better than this,
YOU GRAB MY HAND AND DRAG ME HEAD FIRST, FEARLESS.

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the days dragged for eternities. she could not believe it had not even been a week since her doctor's appointment. she was growing uncertain; with every hour that passed, she was that much more worried. what if something was really wrong? what if it was urgent? what if they lost her file? what if this was for nothing? and, when she did find out -- well, what would thane say? would he still be there next week when she had her results? was he going to run away again, if something really terrible was confirmed? she knew that it was possible, but she did not want to believe it, so she did not. instead, she clung to him, held on tight, and prayed and hoped for the best. something about the way he looked at her, and held her, and had been treating her, these last few days.. well, while it might have had something to do with her unsealed fate, she knew there was more to it. whether that pushed him over the edge or not, he was over, now, swimming with her, in her game, her head. she would do anything to keep them both afloat.

she fell asleep so easily with him beside her; she cuddled into his side and she was in her safe haven. it seemed only when he wasn't around that she got anxious, she panicked: she had decided to take a nap - a simple afternoon nap after a set - only to be woken by terrible nightmares. it was broad daylight and she woke up panicked -- and hysterical. but with him there, she slept soundly, was able to rest her mind, about everything -- about the biopsy, about the stress of tour, about her relationship with him. everything was coming down all at once and it was difficult to handle but he was tugging her through it and she was falling so hard for him that she could not even see straight. all she was hoping now was when it came down to the final seconds, that he was really going to catch her. she had faith in him; she had to if she wanted to make it through this.

when she woke up, she was cold. her eyes flew open, panicked, obviously noting he wasn't there. she blinked, her eyes focusing on the red of the rose on the pillow, the paper beneath it. she leaned up on her side sleepily, yawning and taking the paper, running a fingertip over the soft petal of the rose. her blue eyes read through the paper. she felt lonely, bummed that she was alone, but she knew that despite their personal lives, they both had jobs to do and he had to do his too. if anything, she could read the sincerity in the note and wished that she could have been there for him; after all, the EP release was a huge deal. She had a set of her own to do, though, and by the time that was over, she was exhausted. She went back to the bus, showered, wondering what he was up to. Midnight? She had to admit it sounded shady, but she knew that even Thane wasn't THAT sketchy. She anxiously awaited the hours to tick by and it was finally time to meet him. She left her bus a few minutes before midnight, bundled in fitted sweatpants and one of thane's hoodies, her hair long and straight down her back. She wandered toward his bus, spotting him easily in the dim moonlight. "Hi, baby," she murmured softly, wrapping her arms around his neck and melting into him, pressing her face into his chest. She inhaled the scent of his cologne, always so calming, before lifting her face up to his, smiling and giving him a peck on the lips. "What're we doing out here?"

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[thane elias micheals]

thane elias micheals

___________________________________

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IT WAS PAINFUL, TO SAY[/color] the least. thane had never been faced with something that felt like this. sure, there were pains of his addictions, pains of possibly losing her in the sense that he could eventually get her back and then there was this. he could actually lose her and never be able to hold her in his arms again. that was hard to handle, even if you were thane micheals. he no longer had the mind numbing substances to rock his brain into a false sense of security, no longer had the ability to use those drugs as an escape. he wished he could. he wished he could plop himself down on the couch in the bus and put down a line on the glass coffee table and go from there. that was no longer something he could do anymore. not only was it not acceptable but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. he had come too far, done too much and been to places he couldn't erace from his memory and most of all, it had all happened with her. whether she liked it or now, she was now his ultimate drug of choice and there was simply no other way around it, nothing else could be done and he was just fine with that.

HE WOULD ADMIT THAT AT[/color] nights, it was so much easier to fall asleep when she was there curled up against him. it wasn't evena security thing, it was just a familiarity kind of thing. it made him feel right, like this was what was meant to happen. she was supposed to be there next to him and he was supposed to hold her until she fell into a pattern of slumber all her own. it was watching her sleep that got him through the night, seeing that she could be so comfortable in his arms, feeling like he was the one who could actually offer that sense of comfort to her when not too long ago, he had been the one to take it all away from her, the one to trip her, to take her feel right out from underneath of her. he had been nothing short of a class a jackass and he was doing everything he could to make up for it. he was just trying to get everyone, not just her, to see that he was willing to be something more than whatever it was he used to be. he was willing to make an improvement for her sake and because of that, it was obviously clear that he was willing to stay.

NOW, THANE HAD NEVER BEEN[/color] the type to come up with some brilliantly romantic plan but he was trying to do something, trying to show her that he was still here and that he wasn't going to take her for granted, he was going to show her that he wanted to share things with her and from previous tours, he knew that there was nothing like a colorado sunrise. it was so beautiful, the colors all melting together in a way that most painters couldn't even try with all of their oils and their blending techniques. he wanted to be able to see somehting so beautiful and meaningful and share it with her. he wanted to be able to say that it was something they had done together, something he had been able to show her that just might change her life. he couldn't help but smile as she came into his sights and spoke to him. his arms instantly wrapped around her tightly, pulling her close. he buried his face in her hair, inhaling the scent of her shampoo just as she had done to his chest before smiling as she spoke. "come on,[/color][/i]" he said softly, motioning for her to up the ladder. "we're going to lay out here until the sun comes up.[/color]"

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[isabella dawn davenport ®]

( i s a b e l l a d a w n d a v e n p o r t )

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'cause i don't know how it gets better than this,
YOU GRAB MY HAND AND DRAG ME HEAD FIRST, FEARLESS.

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it was still hard to wrap her head around. in the same way he had been her chosen form of intoxication for a good few months, he had finally flipped the switch. he had finally succumb to the pressure of his heart and his head and now, he was admitting that she did the exact same thing for him. she might have been at a vulnerable point in her life, she might have been down pretty low, but she was staying as steady as she could for him. she knew what he was scared of, even if he had not ever exactly said it. she knew that the last thing she could possibly dream of doing, no matter whether it was by chance or by medical inevitability, was to leave him. she left, he was destroyed. and she would do anything to stick by his side, hold him up and stand by his side the way she had promised him both verbally and so silently all those nights that she knew better than to fall asleep beside him. she had been trying so long to be what he needed, and now that she was, she'd do anything to keep providing.

it was that mentality that had pulled her up pretty fast. sure, she was mentally and quite physically exhausted, she was worried and quite a wreck, but it was knowing what she needed to be for him that kept her smiling. he was what pulled her through; not only the things he had been saying and doing for her, not only the way he was treating her, but the way she knew now she needed to treat him. he was something to look forward to and in a way, take care of, even if in reality, he was the one taking care of her most of the time. it kept her mind off it and made everything about something greater than her body, than herself. it was about him, and them, and that was a hell of a thing to fight for. she could tell he felt the same way, too, because he'd cut the crap. he'd stopped the snide, degrading remarks around his friends and hers. he'd stopped acting like she was some unwanted shadow; he'd started treating her as more of a person than an object not only when they were alone but when they were around other people, too. she knew a lot of that was him being sensitive to what she was dealing with but she also knew that it was never going to be quite like it was. sure, maybe a month from now they'd be pulling their nearly-naked stunts on stage again, but he wasnt going to be able to act like it wasn't more.

she didn't know quite what to expect from him. she'd thought about it all day, but not in any over analytical way. she would not have ever guessed this was what he had up his sleeve, though. it was just so.. not him. or maybe it wasn't that so much as it wasn't something he would have ever even considered before. quite frankly, she didn't care what they did, as long as she was with him. he was so comfortable to be around, and aside from that desperate need for consolation.. well, she loved him. she loved everything about him, whether he believed it or not. he motioned up the ladder and she raised her eyebrows at him. "we're...watching the sunrise?" she asked him, as if he had been unclear, though he really hadn't. the smallest smile had started to tug at her lips in anticipation. that was something that she could not claim to have ever done by choice, or in a very good mood or very good reason. but if that was what he was getting at.. well, that was pretty.. spectacular.

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[thane elias micheals]

thane elias micheals

___________________________________

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THANE WAS COMPLETELY SURE THAT[/color] he had overcome one of the hardest things in his life. he had admitted defeat in a way but at the same time, he was coming to a point where it wasn't so much admitting defeat as it was coming to terms with a change in his life. he was going to drop the drugs as fast as he could manage, even if it took time. there was no actual guarantee that he would stop with the alcohol but he knew that with her around, he could at least cut back a bit. it wasn't like he was going thouroughly lay off but he could at least slow down on a bit or there wasn't going to be much left of his liver and thus, not much left of him left for her to care about. he still had such a hard time wrapping his head around that four letter word, that l word that he probably couldn't even pronounce if he tired. it was hard for him, and that was quite an understatement. it was one of the most difficult things that he could ever wrap his head around. he was such a proud being, someone that couldn't just fork things over in a way like that. he was thane micheals.

HE WAS WELL AWARE THAT[/color] things were falling apart with their lives, to say the least. he was so scared that just as he was letting her in, just as he was willing to show her that he could be better than the drunk asshole he had proved himself to be numerous times, he might actually lose her. he had never done well with loss and he knew that if he was forced into it again, that if he was going to have to endure something like that one more time, it would break him as a human being. he knew that they were only so durable and could only handle so much but at the same time, he had to be strong for her. he had to show her that he was no weak link and that he was going to be her crutch, should she need it. he had silently silled her to keep going and if he was going to do that, regardless of how verbal or not, in their case, it was, he was going to give her a reason to do so. he was going to be there for her because he knew she needed it, not because he could be selfish and get something in return. those days were so long gone.

HE HAD LEARNED TO CHANGE[/color] so much, not just in what he could be for her. instead, he had learned to change his daily habits, his ideas of what could be surprising to her and what could comfort her. no, no longer was sex the first thing that came to mind when it came to making her feel good. instead, it was wanting to hold her, wanting to kiss her on the forehead and tell her how much she meant to him. the truth was that he wanted to be able to shower her with so much affection that it was completely unreal because of the fact that he knew that she could actually be gone one day and he could be an empty shell of the man he was now. he knew that if she were to leave him, change in his own life was so inevitable. it was the truth and whole he wanted to deny it, he knew all too well that it was true. she spoke and he nodded, kissing her forehead. "we're watching the sunrise, bird. unless you'd rather do otherwise," he suggested, just in case she would much rather stay inside for the night than participate in some lame ass idea he had put together. if she hadn't been able to tell, he didnt have too much confidence in himself.

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[isabella dawn davenport ®]

( i s a b e l l a d a w n d a v e n p o r t )

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'cause i don't know how it gets better than this,
YOU TAKE MY HAND AND DRAG ME HEAD FIRST, FEARLESS.

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she knew this was hard for him. she knew that he was trying to hard to finish the transformation, now that the change had started. she understood that it was s hard for him to admit anything. he was crazy if he didn't think that she's been scared, too. when she started to realize what he meant to her, she'd been terrified. what was more terrifying was knowing he'd probably never come around. she'd been let down by nearly every male figure in her life but he was the one she was most scared to lose. she'd severed tied with her dad, been nearly disowned by her brother, and guys had come and gone like the seasons, but she would have given anything for thane. she appreciated his efforts and she was doing her best to step off and let him take his own time to do what he needed to do.

a lot of the time, in the earlier parts of their "relationship", she'd given and given and given until there was nothing left of her to give. every time he came around to her or did something for her, even a basic thing a friend might do, she'd always done something two times as grand to pay him back. she had always offered some ridiculous ego boost, or let him bang her on the table in her bus, or a pool, or... we all get the picture. she had given him her physical self numerous times in a way that was almost sad. it would be a lie to say that when he had threatened to leave, she had not blamed herself. she did. she figured she'd set herself up for that; what else could she have expected him to do when suddenly, the prize wasn't there? it made her sick to realize that maybe that was how it went; sex couldn't fix it and suddenly he didn't want her. but he had proven her wrong, especially these last few weeks. the last thing she wanted to think about was sex and he hadn't tried, not at all. he had not complained, as she half expected from him. instead, he'd been holding her hand the whole time, being strong for her even when she knew he wasn't sure he could even be strong for hismelf.


she could tell, just the way he answered, how vulnerable he was in those moments. it was almost shocking, because she had so rarely seen him like that. she was reminded that while he tried to be this brick wall, he was human, and more fragile than either of them wanted to admit. "No," she said quickly, pressing her lips together, stunned she'd spoken so fast. "I'd really... I'd love that," she told him, a gentle smile tugging at her lips again. She squeezed his hand as he stepped aside and let her go first up the ladder. She took a deep breath as she stood on top of the bus, wrapping herself in her arms and looking around, her eyes inevitably falling on him as he made it up as well.

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[thane elias micheals]

thane elias micheals

___________________________________

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THANE'S OLD SELF HAD BEEN[/color] so resistant to change that even with this change in attitude, it was still hard to accept it all. it was still so hard for him to realize that he had made himself into this different person, that he was becoming someone better for her. but the truth was, when they found out about the tumor, it had scared the life right out of him. it had been even more terrifying than the thought of being a father had. the thing was, at least, if she had been pregnant, then she was still going to be around, just plus one. if the fates had not played in their favor and something could have been wrong with her, there would have been a chance of him losing her and that was not a reality that he could face. in fact, it was something that scared him more than anything else ever had dared to strike fear in him, which was saying something. she meant an awful lot to him, that much was obvious now.

HE KNEW THAT HE WAS[/color] nothing short of blessed to have her in his life. she had invoked a change that he had needed, she had drawn out a side of him that had been in hiding for a very, very long time, and she had showed him that it was alright to really love someone and not have to be afraid that they wouldnt love him back. she showed him that there was something worth living for in his life now and that was something he could never be thankful enough for. she was truly a godsend in his eyes and there wasn't any logical way that he could make that up to her. he just didnt know hot to make it all click, to make her see that she was everything to him and that to lose her now would completely shatter his entire world. even now, he was at a loss as for what to do when they went though countless doctor's appointments but he kept smiling, just for her.

IN THOSE MOMENTS, HE HAD[/color] never felt that vulnerable. he was so afraid that she was going to say no, that she was just going to shut him down that his stomach was simply tying itself in knots. he could feel his palm starting to sweat and his heart racing in his chest. however, if she said that she did have something else that she wuold rather do, he wouldnt hold it against her. he knew that she hadn't been feeling the greatest lately and, well, she deserved to have as much calm time as she could possibly get. however, she insisted that she wanted to and that it was a good idea. he watched her as she made it up the ladder, making sure she made it up safely before he followed her, making his way over to the blankets laying spread out across the roof of the bus. there were small stacks of pillows as well and he sat down, motioning for her to come lay with him. "get warm,[/color]" he said softly, looking up at her with the same smile a five year old might have when he'd just been praised.

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[isabella dawn davenport ®]

( i s a b e l l a d a w n d a v e n p o r t )

[/color][/center]

'cause i don't know how it gets better than this,
YOU TAKE MY HAND AND DRAG ME HEAD FIRST, FEARLESS.

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it had been weird, to sit there in that doctor's office, convinced that having a baby was the worst thing in the world, and then being informed that, in fact, your own life was in danger. it had definitely caught bella off guard, definitely made her get her priorities straight, and fast. it had terrified her so thoroughly, shook her to her very core. for a girl so wreckless and wild, it was amazing she had never faced anything as sobering as that report had been, and it had clearly been enough to snap her out of it, at least for now. she knew that while maybe one day, she would go back to her absolutely insane, seductive, rather inappropriate antics, things would never go back to exactly how they were. being wild and wreckless had definitely separated themselves in her mind and she knew now as well as anyone that you could have fun, but you couldn't take anything for granted. everything was a privilege, even breathing.

she supposed she was incredibly lucky that she had not come to this conclusion alone. apparently, she meant enough to thane after all, to invoke some kind of similar change in him. it had never been her intention, and in a way, not even what she wanted: yes, she loved that she could call him hers, now, but there were times when she wished they didn't always have to be so serious. still, she wasn't quite ready to throw herself back out there yet and so she let time do the healing. the playfulness would come back, but bella knew deep down that however little innocence they might have had at one point was now basically gone. it was going to be at the back of their minds but maybe this time around, it was for the better.

as she made her way to the top of that bus, she was nearly floating. she had been down lately, not feeling great, physically or emotionally. he, however, had been nothing short of an angel. spending time with him brightened her day; her life. and this..well, this was unexpected, and completely sweet. she made her way over to the blanket and as he sat down, she curled up to his side, bringing a blanket around her shoulders. she turned her face into his neck, breathing softly. "this is really sweet, thane," she whispered softly. she tilted her chin up a little to kiss gently at the bottom of his own chin. "i love you," she told him gently, snuggling back into his chest again.

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